On Saturday I was asked, by an actual grandmother, if my sister-in-law (who is five years younger than me) was my daughter and if my 18 month old niece and my 5 year old son were my grandchildren. This, clearly insane, woman was so perplexed when I calmly told her no, that was my sister-in-law, niece and son. She kept digging her own hole by asking if my grandson was playing on the soccer team we were watching. Nope again, cra-cra, that is my other son playing on the team with YOUR GRANDSON.
I tried to be cool. I really did. I was praying Alex would not hear, but no luck. He managed to hear her (but not his children ever asking him for milk) and jumped on it. Again, I tried to be so cool. But she kept talking….I had to detail that yes, that was my husband. Nope, not Vince, he was my father in law. Again, I am the MOTHER of these children. She finally asked me how old I was and when I said 38, she said, “Oh, you can’t even be a grandma!” Correct. I am sure if you want to get super technical, yes, I could be a super young grandma, but I am not.
When I was telling my friend Darren the story – oh wait, it was Alex was telling him the story because it was not traumatizing for him – Darren said, “Oh, do you need to up your hat game?” And I was all YES. That has to be it. Clearly, that is the ONLY reason that insane woman thought I was someone’s grandmother.
I mean, I had just switched my moisturizer to Renewed Hope in a Jar and was feeling pretty good about my aging. I was wearing ripped up boyfriend jeans, a t-shirt and converse, something I have seen no grandma wear ever. So clearly, it has to be The Hat.
My FB and Insta friends will recognize The Hat. I have had it for years. It was a Target (I think) purchase that will not die. I have taken it to Mexico (twice), Coasta Rica, the Cayman Islands, Florida, and all over Texas. It has been squished into suitcases, gotten soaking wet thanks to someone splashing me, and been folded in half to stuff into a beach bag. Every time I pull it out of my suitcase, Alex says, “Oh, The Hat made it?”, clearly hoping it did not. Rude coming from the man who still looks like this:
Here is The Hat in 2013.
And here is the hat in 2016 (with mygranddaughter)
The hat attends birthday parties
Loves the beach
and is ready for field trips.
The Hat excels on sweaty zoo carousels,
and still looks the exact same.
Because it is a solid hat. I have a freakishly large head for a woman. No one believes me, but I do. It is no accident that both my boys have large heads. I mean, duh, so does Alex, but it has to come from both sides.
And the hate shades my entire face and part of my neck. SO I DON’T LOOK OLD TOO SOON.
I mean, I can’t even.
But clearly The Hat’s time has come. So good luck to me finding another hat that is big, lasts for three years, fits my man sized head and doesn’t make me look 65. I am taking recommendations for hats and moisturizers immediately.